Goodbye

Goodbye...there must be a reason why it is 'good'. Then, why the tears, sadness, and all the pain?

For whatever it is, goodbye should bring out the good in us, if not the best. For example...

• In my opinion, those break-up and letting-go songs have more beautiful lyrics and melodies. Artists had their "big breaks" singing these songs.
• We find the dearest and truest of friends when we are in our lowest "goodbye trough".
• Some of the best stories and art works were either inspired by or done during modes and bouts of depression. Think Edgar Allan Poe's melancholic poems, and Shakespeare's tragedies. And think of your own diary. Wasn't it much easier to express yourself when you were at your saddest?

Oh well... April is coming to an end. I mentally committed myself to an April 30 deadline of saying goodbye...to past loves and hates, to ones that got away and passed me by, to puppy and grown-up affections which have moved on to live lives of their own, to short-term and long-term heartaches, heartbreaks and similar wounds, and to every thing and every one which have taken some space in my heart, however small and brief.

Goodbye now and for good.

I'll keep the beautiful memories though, and hopefully learn my lesson well. And maybe that's what goodbye really is --- taking us through all the pains so we can weep for all that we must, and be left the good part of ourselves.

May we appreciate the good of Goodbye more...Ciao friends !

Hello Scents...I'm Back

Can I categorically say that I have 'seasonally' recovered from my 'seasonal' allergic rhinitis? I hope yes! I only got this distracting "complication" when I moved to Manila. Wonder why, hmm...:) Must be the pollens or the pollutants..

There used to be days when I had to take a leave from work because of my allergy. And there were days when I had to make the hard choice of taking medication and braving through drowsiness vs. enduring the runny nose, especially when I had to go to client meetings. Smelling something awful so early in the morning (like strong perfumes of a seatmate during the commute) used to ruin my entire day (because of the inconvenience of the runny nose and/or sneezing, and the bad start in my nerves)

But now...it seems that I can afford smelling strong fragrances and not exhibit symptoms of my allergy, like runny nose and almost a lifetime of sneezing. Though I realized I still do not like, actually I strongly abhor bad odors. Strong examples are cigarette and bad breath. And it seems that I pick out these odors easily now, more strongly than I used to, and ofcourse hate them just even more. No, I did not turn into a vampire/ wizard or something, in case you considered that.

My last trip to the perfumery was with Lovella when I purchased some Salvatore Ferragamo and SJP perfumes on SM's last month sale (I played safe and chose the milder scents; though on hindsight SJP Covet was quite complex and heady, but I loved it). Yesterday, a perfume sales guy sprayed a strong scent on me (I think something from CK) and my only reaction was to say "Too floral". And that was it. I didn't sneeze! And because that seemed like a good start, I went on to explore the perfume section of The Landmark, and sampled some perfumes and EDTs that have always fascinated me when I read about them, but then never actually smelled because of my allergy. "Now is my chance", I thought. I had quite some fun shopping for perfumes on my own. And I was so amazed by my olfactory system, haha. It was doing great, running well, with no violent reaction :) And so I ended up purchasing a Burberry gift set. :->

Whew! This is promising indeed. Now, I've turned into a perfume fiend, if there is such a thing (on top of the common femme addictions - bags and shoes). Well, hope this "recovery" stays, so I can enjoy the sweet scents in life...stop and smell the roses and so much more...

The Bookphile's Marathon

Life is just simple indeed...
Over the past few days, in probably less than three days of total reading time, I finished three books and learned three simple lessons:

* He's Just Not That Into You (by Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo) - "Don't waste the pretty."
(Liked the book 'cause it's straightforward and an easy read. Honest, too. Haven't seen the movie adaptation though.)
* Till Debt Do Us Part (by Filipino-Chinese Chinkee Tan) - "It's not how much you earn, but how much you save."
(If you can't attend one of his seminars, read his book. It's the same minus the comic parts.)
* Why Men Marry Bitches?(by Sherry Argov) - "...because they have self-respect and can do just fine with or without men."
(Just a few pages into it and I was thinking, 'no doubt this was written by a woman'. Just imagine Venus with the grocery cart. In two minutes, you're loaded way beyond your shopping list!)

Ah. Simple enough.

The Incident of Ted Failon's Wife - My Thoughts

Three brief words crossed my mind as I watched the late night news last night - the day the wife of Mr. Ted Failon was found "shot in the head" in their QC house...

...Disturbing
...Sad
...Conflict (conflict-ed, conflict-ing)

Just now, my friend Melody sent me a text message --- informing me of the wife's death.
I texted back: "Hmm, just sad. Then the other half of it would remain a mystery."

Life is too short here on earth to waste on things you cannot take to the other side...

Some mysteries are written well, some are just meant to be that way...

Single & Fabulous

I just can't help it. I love being single! There are just so many things less to worry about:
...I don't have to worry about the length of my hair or my skirt...
...the scents that I wear...
...what I plan to do with Friday nights (or any night, for that matter).
...making sure I have credits on my phone (when I'm lazy, or too busy, I can afford not loading up on prepaid credits)
...making sure my phone is fully charged (again, when I'm lazy, or just forgetful, I can afford leaving my personal phone at home or locked up in my overhead cabinet).
...then, I don't have to go about the strict regimen of returning calls and text messages...
...consulting on "we're in this together" matters...
...sending out FYIs (I mean, aren't all the stuff I have at work enough to keep me busy already?)

I can...
...stay out late, just hanging out with my girl friends...
...be friends with boys and men, without worrying about someone else's jealousy streak...
...not ask permission on who I should be hanging out with (and where, and until when, and so forth and so on)...
...splurge on just being a lady...
...spend as much time as I want in the shower...
...pick my own prettifying options (clear polish french tips vs. avant garde nails, nude/natural vs. red/rouge lips, clean lashes vs. loads of mascara, liner or no liner, etc.)...
...take my own own sweet time pampering myself...
...all, without anyone cataloguing me as "high-, medium-, low- maintenance" in his books.
In any case, I believe the guy's got to love me for me - lines, scars, blemishes, quirks and all.

I can...
...shop/window-shop like crazy...
...watch cheesy chick flicks...
...have free rein on my weekend itinerary...
...squeeze in easy into one-last-seat's...
...wander aimlessly...
...change my mind then and there...

Don't get me wrong, I am not anti-relationship or anti-men. Not even close. Being in a relationship is perfectly fine to me, especially if it's with someone you're crazy about. Some of my friends are happily hooked given and considering the flip-side of all the "terms and conditions" I listed above :) And I can't help but be amazed and happy for them.

In the same way, I just find the thrills, frills and perks of my "singlehood" right now as enjoyably FABULOUS. Again, I just love it. The freedom, the simple joys, the natural high, the crazy nice-ness of it, and so much more. While I'm at it, I'm going to have a blast!

Collection of Goodbyes

Two things that I've been doing in the past weeks led me to this collection --- First, I was trying to recall / remember / crack my Friendster password, for no apparent reason, so I was going over my old electronic and paper files for some hints and clues. Second, I generally spent my "Holy Week" break cleaning up my room, and in the process stumbled across some old lit pieces / drafts that have gathered dust literally and figuratively. And since it appears that "Goodbye" is my theme for the month, here are some more poems from my past...

(My closest friends may have some ideas on the meanings and non-meanings of these; though I have shelved most bits into supposedly forgettable recesses of my memories, and I'm in the process of retrieving and cataloguing them for good.)

From my very old "Start-of-a-new-life blue notebook" which I used as my journal to document my after-college life...

Written 12/5/2003
our gazes kissed
and i know it's forever
i'ved loved you all my life

Written 12/6/2003
when you think it's over
and your heart says it's not
would you listen more?
or would you feel
the many thousand tears
that spilled out of your heart?
you're still crying
after all these years.

(Why I wrote these two contrasting themes a day after the other, I have no idea.)

Written 8/9/03
sorry love, i flunked again
i let you pass me by

Written 5/21/?? (could be between 2003 or 2004)
I looked away
and chose not to fall
and so the rain missed me.

drops fell
but not on me
not yet.

the rain misses me
so it fell
and bathe my heart.

drops fell
poured over me
soaked me.

I looked through me
chose not to fall
again ever
will the rain miss me?

I also found a "Letters to _______" in my external hard drive, obviously dedicated to ____. It started with an entire letter, in poetry form, saying goodbye and thank you. Then it went on to break the letter into one poem for each line of the original letter. Maybe, someday I can share these to the world, or at least my closest friends.

I also discovered an unfinished one-liner in my PDA saying: "After all these years, maybe we can mend this broken heart."

Looking back at all those "goodbye pieces" I wrote, I'm beginning to figure out a pattern... a vicious cycle. If after-life allows immortal souls to re-live lives and re-learn lessons, then perhaps, in my case, I might be re-living and re-learning the lesson of saying goodbye...properly.

...could be that I didn't absorb this lesson well in my previous lives...
...could be that my present life is giving me all the chances to grasp the idea, with all these people that I could have said goodbye to...the proper way
...but then I blew it several times already...
...could be that I may have a next life to learn my lesson well...
...but while I'm in this life now, I would have to try harder...just in case…


Note: btw, I was able to remember/crack my Friendster password last April 3, haha :)

Today is a Brand New Day

Happy Easter everyone! And thanks to the long weekend, I finally got my much needed break (though I'm still looking forward to a much longer vacation to my dear hometown - Iloilo).

Anyway, I just want to share this piece that I wrote and mulled over last Black Saturday:

Untitled
This is fleeting...
This will pass...
It feels nice...for a while
But this isn't right.

So I'm setting a deadline
For goodbye.

I wish you well
Knowing we'd both go a long way from here;
If ever I run into you again
Maybe I'll be more prepared,
Maybe we could even be friends
If it feels right then.

For now,
I'm holding on to reasons
To keep me grounded;
Some facts mix well with motivation
Help me deliver
Within the timelines of oblivion...

I'm out of your league,
Out of your tradition,
We're no match in years,
Or perhaps, I couldn't just afford breaking rules,
Or probably, this is just a temporary state of bliss...

So I'll make myself believe
That this is just a phase,
Fleeting and tricky
Like magic...

So I close my eyes
Ready to miss your smiles
So the next time I remember them
I can already say:
"Well done job,
I have said goodbye."