Piece of Twilight

(No, I'm not going to talk about that vampire book/movie)

Every late afternoon, on my way back to my cube from the ladies' washroom, somehow I'm made to involuntarily gaze through the fire exit door...right through that small window...and get a glimpse of that piece of twilight. Streaks of orange, red and yellow gradually consuming the darkening sky. Yeah, I know, a bit too melodramatic. But then, I couldn't linger to appreciate it more (like maybe step out of the fire exit and breathe it in)… 'cause I have to get back to my cube, my backlogs, my work.

Well, I do feel that I have to attempt some form of self-diagnosis, or at least a few minutes of reflection. And it's been a really really really long time since I've posted in this blog ( I accidentally rediscovered this last week, while waiting for the Friday night traffic to ease out, I ‘googled’ my first name out of boredom). So I'm going to try…

I'm scribbling this post at about "sunset time". And the closest I can get to some definition is that red-and-white icon on my desktop. Merriam, thanks to you! Type-type-type and…click... to twilight’s definition as that (1) "light from the sky between full night and sunrise or between sunset and full night" (so mine is that one between sunset and full night; a.k.a. “takipsilim” in Filipino), (2) "a state of imperfect clarity", or (3) "a period of decline".

So maybe the question is: Am I having a twilight moment here? Depends on which definition I pick, huh. Literally, yes, as I often live by extended work hours (what else is new?). Hopefully, it's not definition number 3, as I believe I still have a brilliant future ahead (question is where and when exactly is that 'ascension' point?). And well, definition number 2 is the closest. I'm in that stage where I’m pondering deeper on what I want to be 10 years from now, where do I go from here, how will I move on, which way is it, and so on.
(I'm 99.99% certain that 99.99% of us have been or will go through this stage. This is not a rare mental state. So there.)

This job I have – Would I want to be doing this for the next 10 years, and for the rest of my life? Of course, there's retirement and my wishful thoughts include fast tracking it.

When will that time come when I do get to see more of that "real" twilight, and not just that piece about the size of my laptop screen? I'm saddened by the fact that I don't get to explore my artistic side that much anymore these days. But what can I do? Or then again, maybe I really need to do something.

I'm sad some days when I remember what I really used to dream about as a kid, what some elders or even strangers guessed about what I seemed bound to conquer, what my classmates/friends used to associate me with. As of now, I cannot afford to take miscalculated risks in my personal quests for my dreams. I pray a lot and converse with Him more, waiting for His signs, knowing that someday He will shed some light to all of these “states of imperfect clarity”. Life is what you make it, they say. I just do my best with whatever gifts He's given me, and I know He'll take care of the rest. It's just one day at a time for me here. And just to show me that He's indeed one great friend, He sees me through these twilight moments, every day, every "sunset time", every time I take that five-second glimpse, and every time He leads me back to this cube – a bit sad, sometimes confused, but always hopeful and trusting.